Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
