Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I checked into jail on foursquare
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
