not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
