tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
