God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
