Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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