all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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