I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
