Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
