dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actions speak louder than pants.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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