Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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