the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
