420 ftw
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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