i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
