Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
