This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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