I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
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The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
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