I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
