I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
