my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
