I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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