I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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