he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?