It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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