I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
