i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
