at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
