I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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