I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
