He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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