How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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