Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
did you just send me my own nude
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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