In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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