after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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