Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Watching her eat just hurts me
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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