Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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