3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Only a mothe r could love this liver
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
