I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
