The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Help me help you realize you are a moron
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
