We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
