My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
