I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
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Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
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Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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