Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
