Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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