A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
