You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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