I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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