i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
