Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
