By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
