cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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