he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
