I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
