You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
