I think I won the penis lottery.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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