It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
