I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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