I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
