Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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