I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
