All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
